I’m curling up into a tight ball, laughing to myself despite the gnawing pain in my chest, in an attempt to get rid of loneliness. She has been relentlessly trying to convince me to befriend her. She started out by whispering sweet nothings in my ear, coaxing me to see that I’d enjoy her company, begging me in a shrill, repulsive voice and keeping  at it until I thought my ears would bleed. I agreed. Her persistence had my head thinking like it never had – I wanted to spend time with her now, get to know her and see if I should believe that searingly hypnotic voice.

 

The Wolf and the Princess.

Once upon a time

I met you in the unlikeliest place

far away from the jungles of familiarity.

I ignored the tug at my heart strings;

was convinced that the Knave was the One.

My misery drew me to you, and

I used the pull I knew you were feeling too.

An unexpected acquaintance grew

into a tangle of primal urges.

The unsure propriety expected of me

clashing violently with your confident instincts

added fuel to the fire I was trying desperately

to quench.

The moon rose and arrogantly shone silver

displayed my beauty at its best

strengthening your already growing power.

I wanted you, wolf boy

the way you knew I would

the way you saw in that vividly painful dream

-          the one that I forced a requiem on.

So I rode away into a familiar sunset

on my dear old horse Sensibility,

away from the alien strangeness of your touch

refusing to give you a chance.

(And she lived uncertainly ever after.)

Being alone. (2)

Alone, alone,

deep, deep down in the black sea,

in an oyster belly,

is a creamy white pearl

formed in isolation and gnawing pain.

Find it. Please.

Alone, alone,

deep, deep down in the back sea,

in a long forgotten bottle,

is a  desperate love note

forged in anguish and then discarded.

Read it. Please.

Alone, alone

deep, deep, down in the black sea,

half buried in the cold grey sand,

the bones of a woman tossed to the sea

sacrificed in jealousy and disgusted rage.

Avenge her. Please.

Alone, alone,

deep, deep, down in the black sea.

Being alone. (1)

Alone is a box left out in the rain

As is a soldier crying  in pain.

Alone is the ugly scarf on the shelf

As is the loner smiling to himself.

Alone is the quiet between two best friends

As is the silence when your known world ends.

Alone is a thought that’s never been shared

As is a survivor whose life has been spared

Alone is a poet with no lyric or rhyme:

She needs inspiration, patience and time.

In mysterious ways.

I know you will find him for me because I know that you know where he is

at this exact moment

I know that you will not disappoint me because I know that you know full well

the secret desire of my heart :

I know he is waiting for me and probably asking you to find me for him little knowing

that I want to know Him so much more.

The wait will be long and painful and the ultimate test of our patience but surely

it will be worth it.

I will know the worth of your Will when I look into his eyes and see the kind of love

I’ve only dreamed of

I may not have realised how precious it is that you care – that you won’t see me

losing myself over trifles.

You never let it happen – you never let my dreams come true.

Thank you for breaking me.

Thank you for ignoring my foolish screams of protest.

Thank you for remoulding again

and again and again.

 

Change.

I’ve been told that change is the only thing that’s constant. I didn’t believe them. In the foolish confident throes  of youth I thought I could fight it. I tried to resit it. When I felt I was losing the battle, I just denied it. But they were right. Closing my senses to it didn’t stop change.
I lost the battle. Bloodied, bruised and tired, I realized it was a battle I didn’t have to fight. It was a pointless struggle with an imaginary enemy – my injuries are self-inflicted.  I waved the white flag – I gave up, but with an enlightened smile on my face.  My missing teeth are a testament to the lessons I’ve learnt – they don’t stop my smile from broadening into a wide grin.
I embrace change now. It excites me. I look forward to the next bend in the road like a child waits for Christmas.  I can’t get enough of it, it doesn’t seem to happen fast enough. But I fear that my war-weary heart has chosen the other extreme.
To crave change might prove just as harmful as resisting it. But like with all other experiences, I will have to live through this to truly find out.

It doesn’t matter.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

 

I had my time of joy with you.

I didn’t expect the end but it came anyway.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

I laughed, I cried, I blushed.

And yet you thought I hadn’t lived enough.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

I took a chance, trusted my foolish heart.

You laughed – you’ve seen many like me before.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

So little time, so much I want to say.

You won’t listen. I’m just an inexperienced child.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.

 

I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Despite what you think, I did live – and I learnt from it too.

So Good Bye, not-so-perfect-after-all:

I will always remember you.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter.

 

 

In four parts:

“I’ve had the time of my life….yeah, I’ve never felt this way before…and I swear….that’s it’s true…I owe it all to you…”

I’m living a dream and this is the music playing in the background. There’s something in the air – I smell rebellion, change, salt and the stirring of affection.  I would have said love, but one can only use that word after careful consideration about the consequences on the object of your affections. I have considered it – it is not love.

Rebellion:

I want to remember what you told me

about staying good and pure and untouched.

But your words will drown this little spark

that’s  growing into a burning flame.

I will not.  To hell with  what you told me

about staying untouched and pure and good.

I will drown out the din of your words

With change. With salt. With stirring.

Change:

The sunny skies are are changing colour.

It is not a comforting grey or a tired black

that’s bleeding into the yellow and white.

It’s Red.

Orion foolishly bleeds to death.

The mortal woman weeps. She knows not

if the occasion calls for tears of joy or sorrow

but she weeps.

Let the gods of change decide their cause.

Salt:

I tasted salt on your lips that night.

The buttery popcorn had left it’s mark on your distinctive mouth

and I smiled through our kiss when I tasted it.

I remember that day now because the same taste once gain invades my mouth

not quite the same.

The salt in my tears don’t taste the same without the softness of your mouth on mine.

No popcorn. No foolish flights of fancy. No you.

Just  salt – my only memory.

Stirring:

And just like that you leave -

a wisp of smoke delicatley coiling away into a tango with the wind -

tempting me to try and catch you,

reminding me of the intoxication that preceded your departure.

But the bruised heart stirs up an almost-forgotten primal longing.

The need for blood.

Incensed, I wait in angry anticipation for the taste of metal in my mouth.

The anger flares into a frenzy

and I wake up with the remnants of a now broken dream.

You’re gone.

 

 

 

 


 

 

A raving madness.

They’ve always haunted her…those eyes of undetermined hue. Are they Amber? Gold? Brown…or Green? It seemed to change with his changing moods. Like the seasons they changed, they were just much less predictable.

They’ve always intrigued her…those eyes of unbridled emotions. Soft and light gold-green when calm, just a hint of darkness, just enough to let them twinkle, when he’s feeling mischievous, dark dark brown when he’s upset…will she ever learn them all?

They’ve always tortured her… those eyes of ambiguous silence. Does he love her? Was that spark she saw imagined? Will he ever return her love…his eyes that usually speak volumes look back with no response. Eyes that choose to keep silent; about the one thing they know she needs the most.

They’ve always been a reason to smile…those eyes that inspire so much art in her. The way they hold her gaze, knowing & insistent…the way the stolen glances make up for his sporadic bouts of cold indifference…the way they touch her soul in a way that transcends physical contact…

They’re indefinable. Shrouded in a veil of mystery that draws her to him like a moth to a flame. They’re the reason she can’t let go. The reason she’s up at 2:30am…writing, without even the slightest hint of sleepiness.

Inspirational. That’s what they are.

 

Stained. Again.

My Cup Overflows

 

 

 

The drink found its way back into her life.

She was relapsing. It felt like there was

No hope left. A drop of red on an

Impeccably white bed sheet.  It

Won’t come out. Dried, old &

Dark, the stain will always

Remain. Stained. Again.

One

Stain

Flowing

Into

The

Other.

It

Deepens.

It merges & holds fast.

She looks at it…utterly disgusted.

Ah. The bed sheet was dirty, anyway